I-message

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An I-message or I-statement is a form of interpersonal communication in which speakers express their feelings, beliefs, or values from the first-person perspective, usually beginning with I. It contrasted with "you-message" or "you-statement", which often begins with you and focuses on the listener, usually carrying accusatory language. This term was coined in the 1960s by Thomas Gordon who discussed the concept in his book, P.E.T.: Parent Effectiveness Training (1970). Some sentences that begin with I are not I-messages because the speakers are expressing their perceptions, observations, assumptions, or criticisms (e.g. "I feel you are being defensive"). I-messages are often used to be assertive without putting the listener on the defensive by avoiding accusations. For example, saying "I really am getting backed up on my work since I don't have the financial report yet" makes people feel better than "you didn't finish the financial report on time!". According to the Conflict Resolution Network, I-messages can also be used in constructive criticism because they allow speakers to express concerns without increasing tension.